sleepless nights

the nights where you just cant fall asleep are the hardest.

they are hard because your mind wanders as you lie in bed hoping you'd fall asleep soon. your mind wanders... wonders how things got to the way they are, how you could have changed things... and most of all, "what in the world could i have i done to deserve this?".

i used to look forward to getting into bed. i was always excited to share my day with him. tell about everything that happened in detail. sometimes, i was so excited in the moment, that i would call him right away, tell him on the spot. he almost always had something to say or share with me too. we are both inquisitive so our conversations were almost always intriguing. we spoke almost several hours every day, til we couldn't stay awake any longer or until i fell asleep on the phone.

and then there were the other days, when i would be sad... sad that he couldnt share the moments with me. i would spend the night crying over the phone, telling him how much i missed him and how much i wanted him to be there, with me, for us to be sharing the moments together.

in the last couple of months, our conversations became stale. they began to fade and our conversations became less interesting. we were hitting our two year anniversary and he still hadnt told me he loved me back yet. i had my doubts before but it was only then that i really began to believe that he was never going to feel the way i felt about him. we no longer had conversations about the latest ad on tv, what furniture to buy, what decisions to make, etc. instead, our conversations consisted of me crying, upset, losing hope that he wold ever reciprocate.

slowly, the calls became shorter and he would say nothing. we would stay on the line, both not in the mood to share. near the end of our relationships, i would beg him to talk to me but he would stay silent. i couldnt hear what he was thinking but his actions were loud enough.